You’ve got to be taught
To hate and fear,
You’ve got to be taught
From year to year,
It’s got to be drummed
In your dear little ear
You’ve got to be carefully taught.
You’ve Got to Be Carefully Taught by Richard Rodgers
What is hate?
Hating is a very complex emotion, or some would say state of mind since it may be ever present within a person’s being. We usually refer to hate as an emotion that is the opposite of love. According to an article published in Psychology Today, there are two primary theories of how hate is born within us. One theory is that the reason we hate is because we fear things that are different from us. Another is that “hatred is driven by two key emotions of love and aggression: One, love for the in-group—the group that is favored; and two, aggression for the out-group—the group that has been deemed as being different, dangerous, and a threat to the in-group.” According to the second theory, hatred is driven by emotions of love and aggression, two emotions that are not usually referred to in the same sentence when referring to the origin of hate.
Why do we hate?
Psychologists have many theories on why we hate. Dr. Walter Bonime wrote of America as an “angry culture” and listed some of the reasons why: “the daily difficulties of getting about, getting ahead, getting fed, getting enough time to rest or to think, and deprivations both material and emotional.” He believed that as a culture these forces frustrate many people as they strive for autonomy and create a desperate struggle for what he called the “pseudo-safety of dominating.” According to the ideas of psychoanalyst Wilfred Bion, who studied unconscious irrational processes in groups, powerful, regressive emotions get activated within the group’s members, in instinctual, instantaneous and inevitable ways. One such group Bion called “fight-flight”. He described group members as having an emotional tenor of being endangered; it feels it must fight against something, or run away from it. The leader of this kind of group only succeeds if he or she believes and supports its sense of being at risk.
How do we learn to hate?
Much has been written on how we learn to hate. Most psychologists conclude adults learn how to hate as children and teens by watching authority figures in their lives behave in negative ways toward people who appear to be different from them, people in their family that they feel wronged them or individuals who have deeply hurt them. This behavior, coupled with being raised in an environment of toxic relationships and feelings of isolation from society, create a breeding ground for hate. Adding the pressure of social media and political rhetoric which, to some, appears to green light aggressive behavior towards others who are “not the same” often results in hate filled adults who sometimes violently act on that hate.
How can we stop the cycle of hatred?
Words of love are not enough to stop hate. Given hate filled actions come from complex and deep places within us, we should consider the ways we can break the cycle that is often passed down from generation to generation. It is accepted that children are not born knowing how to hate or behaving in hateful ways. Parents and teachers of young children are key to changing the emotional trajectory. Therefore, the realization that a child’s view of the world can be reversed from looking through a hate filled lens to one more balanced is great news.
Families
Family stability is critical in establishing sound emotional health in young children. When children’s early years are spent in homes free of chronic stress, a strong foundation for emotional stability in their adult lives is being established. One of the most important stabilizing elements is an adequate family income. It is a big factor in stabilizing a family’s well-being as it determines the type of housing, food, health care and access to general resources important for a child’s development. While a family’s income is important, the consistent, loving and stable relationship between parent and child is even more so. Children living in a home where adults show kindness to each other and their children, spend time in conversation, and offer them support during challenging times will gain the skills needed to navigate life’s disappointments and address problems without seeking a scapegoat or harboring feelings of failure.
In-home parent education programs have proven to be highly successful in helping parents regardless of income to understand the importance of bonding and how to make daily activities reflect a warm and caring environment. Support for families through community -based programs, churches, friends and neighbors can prove to be invaluable in helping families “keep it together” when times are rough.
Teachers
Teachers of young children are presented with the opportunity to help children learn how to operate successfully in group settings by preparing them for bigger “real world” experiences. This is done through providing children opportunities to work in groups, solve problems through cooperation, and create a safe environment where taking on new solutions to problems is encouraged and celebrated. Relationships with teachers, just as with parents set the emotional foundation upon which the brain develops the wiring that allows them to feel empathy, compassion, and love and to express those feelings through words and actions. For children to learn how to manage anger in positive ways is as important to learn as how to spell their name. The early years is a critical time for gaining coping skills that will be useful in supporting the child throughout life so that as they enter adulthood they will adjust to the ups and downs of living without lashing out and blaming others.
The cure for hate
Hatred alone does not make a killer, but it destroys millions of lives by limiting individuals to an unhealthy negative obsession with others or groups of others who are different in some way from those obsessed. If hate was a disease that could be cured through a vaccination or treatment protocol, life would be so much different. But it is not. The only known vaccination for hate is to show children what love and respect for all people is through actions as well as words. If we succeed they will grow into caring and loving people, not weak, but stronger than we can imagine.
by Dr. Cathy Grace